Things are a'changing.

Lately I've been dreaming about fresh bouquets.

And drooling over functional satchels.

but it'd be more appropriate in a light blue color.

I've been thinking about my future.  About  my part in the community of people that makes a difference.

And I'm excited to tell you some good news I've been keeping from you all!

For the past year I've had a plans in my pocket waiting to see what would happen.  And a few weeks ago my path was forever changed.

After the shock and awe we celebrated in style.

I'm going back to school!!!! I will be entering graduate school in the fall. I am joining the elite Masters in Social Work program at UNC.  It's ranked third in the nation!  (I'm so glad it's driving distance!)

I have officially accepted (after tinkling in my pants a little from excitement and fear).  And this past weekend I attended the welcome weekend and met some professors, my new (ten years younger) peers and walked around my new office for the next two years.

In two years I will be a direct practice social worker.  My plan is to work with children and families with developmental disabilities with the primary focus of autism.  I have my field placement set up already with a wonderful program and I've set up my faculty advisor too. I'm ahead of the game.  I'm jumping in, I mean, I already got wet.  (too far?)   

Derek and Charles are on board.  Mingo and Haplo too.  It's going to be hard and ridiculous and we're going to be so so poor.  But we are thrilled!!!  The Payne Pack just got a little bit of Carolina Blue pride in their lives.  Don't worry we're still for the WolfPack too!

Photo dump

It's been awhile. We've been busy making life changes over here. Update over the weekend!

Now for what you came for-photos of this cutie pie

Two little monkeys lying in the bed and the littlest said

Roll over I'm crowded. So they all rolled over and Charles did too!!!


That's right! Today Chip rolled from front to back three times. I got so excited he looked at me like I was crayzee (that's how the cool kids spell it these days). I got the last half roll on video and sent it to Derek.

It has been a big week for out growing boy- he can now make the thbbbbb sound which is huge for him!! It's was a favorite sound for him before and now it's an endless source of entertainment and giggles.

Today his little legs could full on touch the bottom of his exerciser too- he's getting so big. Where's the pause button?

4 months old

time really does fly!  He is such a little boy now, not a newborn.  No more chubby thighs, big growing feet, no more baby belly-just a long body when he stretches out. 

weight: 15 pounds 6 ounces
Height: 24 7/8 inches

milestones:
hold head at 90*angle
sits up with assistance
thinking about rolling over
grab for things and put them in his mouth
sucks fingers
touching toes and putting them in his mouth

likes:
looking at Mom and Dad's faces
bouncing games- we have an applesauce song that I made up that he loves
the vowel game-another one I made up, it makes him giggle so it's a keeper
the link rings are a big hit
tummy time is almost a like at times.

dislikes:
being sick :(
having his nose suctioned
clapping.  

new toys:
exersaucer- just this past week we've put him in it and he's getting the hang of it
johnny jump up.- he's enjoying moving around in it, though hasn't really started to jump on his own
sophie the giraffe
the musical turtle - new as of yesterday, he can just bang his hands on it and it plays different notes. he seemed to get a real kick out of it

There have been a lot of changes and happenings in the past month.  We started daycare with Miss Adell.  We got our first illness, RSV. (pretty sure those two are linked).  We've changed our sleep habits.  Just now starting to sleep train Charles for crib naps and he sleeps in his rock and play at night.  We're still breastfeeding exclusively.

no more monkeys jumping on the bed

went to the doctor for tater tots 4 month visit and he's doing fine. got three more shots and took them as we'll as can be expected. 4 month post up tomorrow!

hydrolics

This guy is sick with bronchiolitis.  Thank you very much daycare.  He's coughing and weezing but taking it like a champ.  Still playing and giggling when he can.  He's at daycare.  He's been there since ten am today.  Keep him in our prayers that he doesn't get worse and hopefully this little virus will lightly run it's course and we'll get this baby back to breathing regularly.  And give his momma a break on crying for a little while, that would be okay too.

Instead lets talk about how ridiculously cute he is.  The picture is of the second time we put him in his jumparoo.  He seemed to really  have fun with it and it was nice to see him explore movement on his own.

The toddler in me

 

Tuesday was the day.  The dreaded return to work day.  The following possible scenarios were entertained:

a. lay on the floor kicking and screaming and refuse to go
b. take the baby into the office with me. babywearing for the win?
c. pretend to go to work but just go to a park and throw the milk from the bottles out and come home and tell Derek I really went to work
d.  get up and pretend it's just a normal day and I don't really  have to go back to work. and then never go back to work.
e. put my big girl panties on

They were the worst two days of my life.  I did a bit of a and e.  Today I'm staying home.  FU work.  The "welcome backs" were annoying.  The non stop crying gave me a headache and I came home purely exhausted.  I stayed 3 hours on Tuesday and 4 hours on Wednesday. 

Happy valentines day to me- I'm giving myself a break.

Everyone said it would be hard.  They all say it will get easier.  I say they are all wrong.  It's not going to get easier.  I don't think it should.  You know how it gets easier?  By you turning off being a mom, by separating yourself from the natural instinct that tells you to be with your child.  My child still needs me.  Me sending breastmilk to him every day is him needing me.  I can't decide if the breastpump is a curse or a blessing.  My first day back at work all I wanted to do was pump because its the only thing I could do for him.  My second day back, I pumped twice and now my nipples are so sore. 

As we create distance from our Mom-selves it gets easier.  We have to shut off being a Mom or we'd never get any work done.  And then, to pump, we have to look at pictures of our child and videos so that our body can remember that we have a child and we'll have "let down."  But most moms that work don't make it a year breastfeeding.  I wonder why?  Because this chasm between you and your child grows.  I don't want this to happen.

I curse our society that demands that mothers leave their children with strangers so that we can afford to live.  That only a small percentage of people make enough money to live off one income.  I curse feminists that changed our working environment- women entered the work force, more competition for jobs, lower salaries.  I curse our economy and our government.  I curse myself for not saving more money so that I could stay home.  Derek and I ran the numbers over and over again and there was just no way.  Even if we rented a one bedroom apartment.

My heart is being ripped from my body every time I leave Charles.  I wail and scream a cry that is so prehistoric sounding it surprises me.   I stop to catch my breath and try to see the good try to think of the good things but nothing makes it better.  I do not know how I'm going to survive this.